I don't wanna talk about my master at the moment because I promised to be secretive about him until later. But I just wanna say that he is a really great master who gives me a lot of free will to do my work. He only beats me up once in a while which isn't so bad. Because of an unfortunate alchemy accident, my body heals itself without need of a doctor. It really helped out that one time when I was tossed down that elevator shaft. Hey, that was how I found the basement to begin with! Who knew there was a basement under the whole building! Well, actually its not really that weird now that I think on it.
So normally this laptop belongs to someone else, but it's mine now. I stoled it. I stoled it real good. And its previous owner is currently inside a big glass tube. I'm gonna be using him to help out with some of my experiments.
So what's the first thing I am gonna talk about today? Rape or murder? Rape or murder? They are both so interesting. Of course, I don't get to do much of either of those because I am down here working on my projects. My master does it all the time. I guess its his privilege. I guess when I get this place operational, I'll have more free time.
The only public evil I got to do recently was when I went upstairs to get some lithium batteries. (My master won't let me use plutonium anymore after... the Incident.) I saw a little girl holding a sucker. I snatched that sucker and made her stand there as I licked it down to the stick. Yeah! Fuck you, decency! I'm a mother fucking bad-ass!
Candy-stealing is really where evil begins. They always say that nothing is easy as stealing candy from a baby (or in this case, a little girl.) But nobody can start at the top. You got to get your evil in wherever you can. The rape and murder comes later once you move up in rank. That is, unless you get killed on your way to the top. That happens sometimes to henchmen like me, but I do have an advantage!
For one thing, I can't die. I'm entirely immortal because of my healing ability. So where most henchmen would usually perish before they can rise to the rank of supreme leader, I am probably going to make it. And as I am balls deep in some woman that probably doesn't want me there, I'll think back to the good days... just licking those suckers while little girls cry. Yep, I am up for greater things in life.
Anyways, I have to go fill that glass tube up with unknown chemical compounds to see what effect it has on the previous owner of this laptop. If my calculations are correct, he should end up with giant tanuki balls. Either that or he'll just explode. Gawd! I hate it when they explode! I mean... It fun to watch initially, but then there's all that clean up. Ugh. Anyways, hurrah for my new evil ferret blog! Woo!
~Love, Ferros xoxo
Oh right. Almost forgot. While digging through his wallet, I found the laptop owner's business card which had some information about a book he wrote. You might want to go ahead and buy a copy. He'll need the income for his medical bills. Which, of course, I'm just gonna steal and use to spruce up my lab. Here is some information:
$9.99 - Paperback Edition
$5.99 - Kindle Edition
Click here to see the Amazon.com listing.
Also, here I found a trailer for it also. Looks spooky! I could totally fap to it!
I wonder who Ferros stole the laptop from? I wonder. hehehe. Yeah, what do you do when a diabolical simpleton becomes immortal? You feed him mice!
ReplyDeleteI never did ask his name. Hey, who is this? Weird picture. No fur! Did you have an accident too?
DeleteHey Ferros, pleased to meet you. I know an evil cat you would get along with very well. Vincent got his start by peeing on artwork and is now working his way up to world domination.
ReplyDeleteOh man! Awesome! I love peeing on things too! But master doesn't need a rival, so I may have to plan his destruction. Sorry!
DeleteIs this version of Ferros currently serving Nuke, the radioactive tanuki?
ReplyDeleteI am asking due to non-correlated information:
The source of this version's healing ability is mentioned herein as alchemical.
The Ferros in the service of Nuke, the radioactive tanuki only reconstitutes upon his demise. This ability was gained as a result of a death-ray related accident.
Who are you?
DeleteI am the information written on the substrate of reality in the universe known as Jord, the current home of Nuke the radioactive tanuki. I comprise all of the data of that universe.
DeleteI have been embodied by the god of that universe to act as a medium when needed, and you may consider me an avatar of that god.
Hey! I've talked to one of those before! Only... I've always known them to some degree. Okay.
DeleteQuestion number 1: Why are you talking to me at all?
Question number 2: What, if anything, can I do for you or who you represent?
Question number 3: Friend or foe?
That last question has more to do with your relationship to the one who writes for me. I'm just trying to form a baseline for what I am dealing with. Answer as non-cryptically as you can. Not in the mood for confusion presently.
I have correlated this style of asking questions to the known iterations of Ixus. To distinguish myself, I will answer them in a slightly different style.
Delete1: I have been set on a journey to collect information about this multiverse.
2: Sometimes I will encounter information I cannot independently correlate or appears to be missing from available records, and I will ask questions. If you would like, you can answer these questions. This is what you can do for me and who I represent just now.
3: Friend.
Okay. Keep them as clear and concise as possible. I'm not a robot nor do I think like one.
DeleteNoted.
DeleteIs this the Ferros who is now currently serving Nuke in Jord?
I assume so. There is only one Ferros who is with a tanuki right now. I didn't know the place they were was called Jord. Kinda hate the name.
DeleteLook, I think I may have overstepped my boundaries a bit. I have been doing some writing in that world. I'm doing what I can to wrap it up. I'm only doing it because I am trying to keep tabs on my ferret.
Interpreting that as a query: "Have I overstepped my boundaries with your creator?"
DeleteAnswer: No. Invitations were sent from the highest level.
Also, this lag time allows for more possible futures where I complete my assignment. The delay is appropriate in all respects.
Alright. Well, it's clear you know something of my books and stuff I have been up to. Go ahead and keep looking around. Once again, keep your questions concise.
Delete