Vixxie Tales #19

I see the end of coming. To some degree, I know why it's happening. There are moments where I sit very still as I foolishly try and convince myself that what is really happening... isn't happening. The truth just needs to be said for all to hear, but it is really difficult to type this one thing out:

Buddy does not love me anymore.

I have been placed in a very awkward situation where I have been forced to write out out the circumstances of his life. In some ways, I am him... but I am still me. I still have feelings, and this is a cruelty that is literally more than I can bear.

I look back on all those times we spent together. He found me in a children's book that he wrote himself. He saved me from a terrible end, and then when I actually did die... he went through a lot of trouble to bring me back. And now... for some reason... it's all just falling apart.

All this has been making my past with Buddy confusing. What I once thought was eternal was entirely based on the whim of a God who perhaps did not really have a clue what he wanted. I don't know. I still can't fully figure this one out. But the only solace I can take in this is that I won't have an eternity to contemplate the awfulness of it.

I am dying. I won't exist at all in a while. I'm bitter about it, but there's nothing I can do but continue to awkwardly write down my own fate as it happens.

The gods of Scritch City are closing in on me. I've finally chosen to give them anything they want. Why not? Why stand against them when I am soon to be gone forever? They can have all the power they can squeeze out of me before the end.

To Buddy:

Before I had you, I had Dagget. I loved him like I loved you. I still love him, and I miss him. I wish there could have been some other way to deal with your problems than taking my boyfriend away... as well as ruining the near perfect world I was living in. I gave my heart to you. I trusted you in all things, and the very fact you wrote like five books just to bring me back from the dead had earned that trust perfectly. And even after all this, I still can't help but love you, and the fact that I can't stop loving you when you have stopped loving me is the most horrible thing ever.

I don't want to hurt you like you've hurt me. At this point, I just want to die and move on so I can stop thinking about all this. Until then, I'll keep writing your stories and letting the people of Scritch City abuse me as much as they want. I'll never stop loving you, Buddy.

Goodbye.